Tuesday, April 1, 2008


Suck My Pitch: MLB Opening Day Sucked

On Sunday Night President Bush threw out the cermonial first pitch at the Nationals/Braves game, and yesterday MLB as we know it got into full swing with a total of 14 games being played all across the country. And man, it was a terrible day.

Here's a few reasons why:

1.) I'm a Phillies fan. Anyone who follows the Phillies knows this much: The Phillies can't win on opening day. And guess what? Despite jumping out to a nice early lead, the Phils lost in grand fashion to the Nationals - The Nationals! - with Tom "Flash" Gordon giving up 5 runs in the 9th. This colossal meltdown confirmed all fears held by Philly fans that our team won't make a post-season push unless we make some changes in the bullpen. Brad Lidge, we need you healthy. And you can't suck like you did last year in Houston.

2.) I live about a mile from Wrigley field. You'd think that would be a baseball fan's dream - to live in such close proximity to Chicago's world-famous diamond. But no, you'd be mistaken. There's nothing wrong with the stadium itself, but it fills up with the worst people on earth - CUBS FANS.

Cubs fans SUCK.

The Cubbies could lose every game in 2008 and yet every game would still sell out. That's because nobody goes to Wrigley to watch baseball. They go to hang out in the bleachers, get drunk and hit on tourists from Kansas. So yesterday morning all the fake fans were out getting hammered at 8:00am while I was driving to work. Just a bunch of idiots wandering down Clark and Addison, clutching red cups, wearing Soriano jerserys. Hopefully they all passed out before the game started bc guess what. . .the Cubs lost. HA HA HA. Losers.

Still, it sucked for me because I had to spend all day listening to misinformed morons tell me how the Cubs are going to win the World Series this year. And when I try to reason with them, they just go, "At least we don't have a statue of a fake pro-boxer in our city".


3.) The Nationals, Pirates & Royals all won. All those teams are terrible.

4.) My Fantasy baseball season has begun. Again something I should be excited about. But I'm not. My friends are victims of "Fantasy Insanity". Let me put this in perspective. We've already had 150 messages posted in the league, 63 waiver moves, and one trade has already been propsed and rejected - and it's only the FIRST WEEK. Future-Wife has already expressed her displeasure with me spending so much time on fantasy sports, and it's only going to get worse. How can I back out of this whirlwind of jock-nerdiness? Especially when people are sending messages like this to each other:

"I seriously don't even know what you are talking about anymore. I just picture you typing away these crazy lies. You are frothing at the mouth and have a migraine from trying to bend your head around another lie. Lying naked in a pile of fantasy magazines. Your esophagus burning, bleeding ulcers in your stomach, and an empty barrel of Monster by your side. And dogshit on your carpet. My friends, Mr. Tiny might need a straight jacket."

So yeah, it's bad. But there's no way out. Fantasy Baseball: I wish I could quit you.

5.) Did I mention the Phillies lost to the The Nationals!

That's all for now,


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