Restless Leg Syndrome is a Big Fat Lie

Does anyone else have a loved one who suffers from Restless Leg Syndrome? If so, you're an idiot. Restless Leg Syndrome is a big fat lie. It's a fake disease invented by disgruntled women who need an excuse to literally kick-the-crap out of their boyfriends/husbands/lovers.

I know this because my future-wife has "RLS". Hers is a peculiar case, as it only exhibits its symptoms after we've had some sort of disagreement. We'll argue for a while and then go separate ways. Soon bedtime approaches and future-wife acts all sweety-mc-sweet-sweets, showering me with kisses, spooning, etc. Then, after she's lulled me to sleep, the "RLS" kicks in and she starts jamming her foot into my back, my butt, my man-marbles (Ouch!).

Isn't that great? A completely made-up, totally bogus disease that allows women to assault their peacefully sleeping counterparts. I don't know how to combat this egregious offense against the sanctity of our relationship, but I do know one thing: I'll be wearing shin guards to bed from now on. And a cup.

-M